Discretion is Vital!
by ladycordelia17
Summary: An incident of a rather serious nature has occurred at the Smashers' Mansion. The task falls on Zelda to smooth things over, but can she do so AND give the two guilty parties their due, all without anyone else finding out? READER DISCRETION ADVISED.
1. Trouble Afoot

_**Prologue dedicated to bijoukaiba and Nintendo4ever.**_

**_(But be warned, I will cease and desist--and delete this story--if too many readers take offense.)_**

_Disclaimer: I do not own SSBM or any characters or locations within._

**Trouble Afoot**

_The cold winter's night wind whistled through the drafty attic, the worst-kept room in the entire Smashers' Mansion, which was in need of repair work anyway. She shivered in the makeshift bed she had made of a battered old futon pad and some blankets, to which Master Hand had relegated her upon the discovery of extensive termite damage in the outer walls of her room and four others. All five rooms were now closed off for repair, forcing Master Hand to make alternative accommodations for their occupants. Curse her bad luck; she got the attic in the worst of seasons, and she couldn't even get the space heater there to work no matter how she tried._

_Not that she had many belongings that needed places; she just had her armor, a small wardrobe of casual clothes, and some computer equipment—all of which she could easily find places for even amid the droves of antiques, things that just refused to work (like that blasted space heater), and curiosities in the attic. Finding places for her belongings was the least of her worries—keeping warm tonight was more pressing on her mind. The wind blew hard outside, and she, purple-sweatsuit-clad, huddled in the middle of her bed under at least two blankets, a third underneath her covering the futon pad like a sheet and a folded fourth at the head of the bed for use as a pillow._

_She considered turning on a brighter light and reading some of the books on the spindly-legged rack, romance novels mostly, to distract her from the cold—at least, such was Princess Zelda's advice. But no, that would force her to pull her hands out from under the blankets and chill the exposed fingers--and she hated having cold hands. Should she put her armor back on just long enough to make her way to the hangar where the space travelers keep their vehicles and sleep aboard her starship? Maybe so, but that would require her to open the creaking door to the attic after descending the rickety stairs—both of which made a lot of noise that was sure to wake somebody up. It was only ten o'clock yet; no guarantees that everyone on the second floor was asleep._

_And while she pondered the topic of the creaking door and those rickety stairs…_

_The door opened and shut, creaking above the sounds of the wind, and she distinctly registered the snick of a door-bolt in a lock. The squeaking of the stairs with each step could only mean the visit of one man…and it was exactly as she predicted upon hearing the snick of the lock._

_The visitor, she could see, had abandoned his usual tight-fitting blue flight suit and was wearing instead a short-sleeved gray T-shirt and a pair of worn olive-green sweatpants. He was a deathly handsome-looking man even with his helmet on to cover most of his head and face—and now that he revealed his full face, the swept-back brown hair and the heat of desire in his coffee-colored eyes, his good looks were positively devastating. "Hey, beautiful, I thought you might not be asleep yet," he remarked._

"_You shouldn't be here, honey, not in this frozen corner of the universe," she replied teasingly, "and besides, you must've certainly wakened someone up by coming up here."_

_He chuckled as he sat down on the edge of the makeshift bed, taking hold of one of her chilled hands with both of his warm ones and pulling her into a quick kiss. "Frozen corner of the universe, eh? Not really, I don't think—and don't worry about anyone else below; the attic's too far away anyway."_

_She looked surprised for a moment, and he used the momentary advantage to gather her into his arms, reveling in the delight and desire he saw in those emerald-green eyes of hers before pressing his lips upon hers for a long, lingering kiss that left her breathless._

"_I've waited far too long for this," he groaned…_

* * *

"Brrr, was it cold last night or what?" YoungLink complained after breakfast. Due to the repairs being done on his room, he had had to share a room with Ness once Master Hand caused a rollaway bed to be set up in Ness's room.

Ness nodded fervently in agreement. "If it was going to be that cold, we should have had some snow," he acknowledged. "Otherwise there's no real reason for it to be freezing like that."

"You could always go to the attic and grab more blankets from there—unless Samus happens to be using the blankets, I'm sure she won't mind," suggested Princess Zelda offhandedly as she finished clearing the breakfast dishes from the table, having overheard the young boys' complaints.

Zelda had barely reached the top of the stairs to the second floor, making her way to her room afterwards to get a sweater, however, when Ness met up with her just at the attic door. He looked distinctly uncomfortable as he reported, stuttering, "Princess Zelda, Your Highness, I—I found something up in the attic—I don't know what it is, but…"

"What did it look like to you?" the Hylian princess asked, perturbed. The children in the Smashers' Mansion never addressed her or Princess Peach as "Your Highness" (except maybe YoungLink) unless they had some kind of bad news to report.

"Well, it looked—kind of like a—like a balloon—but it wasn't like any kind of balloon I've ever seen—and it seemed like there was some sticky stuff on it…" Ness answered uncertainly, fumbling to find words to describe his predicament.

Zelda's stomach plummeted to the soles of her tan suede shoes at Ness's description of the unknown object. Master Hand had relegated Samus Aran to sleeping in the attic after closing off her room, as well as YoungLink's and three others, for repairs. Unbeknownst to any Smashers except themselves, Zelda, and probably Link, Captain Falcon and Samus had been in a romantic relationship for at least six months (Zelda had herself played the matchmaker when Falcon first showed an interest in Samus), and apparently the two bounty hunters had slept together on Samus's first night in the attic. It seemed like only a matter of time before they would…

Or was it?

Zelda glanced fearfully around her. Was there anybody else nearby, within earshot? If word of this got out…no, she didn't want to linger and add fuel to potential speculation. She and Ness went up the attic stairs as quietly as they could for the creaking of the wood.

"There, just next to that trash can," said Ness, pointing.

Sure enough, Princess Zelda followed Ness's uncertain gaze and the pointing of his finger—to confirm her worst suspicion. Only a used condom could have matched Ness's description of the offending object…and there was one, lying on the floor next to the wastebasket exactly where the ten-year-old boy was pointing. "A used condom…" Zelda repeated her thought aloud, though barely above a murmur.

Ness could only make an inarticulate confused sound, looking up at Zelda with a bewildered expression.

"Apparently, Ness, your parents have never told you to sit down for a discussion about what some people call "the birds and the bees" yet," said Zelda heavily, fishing in her dress pocket for a tattered handkerchief and using that to pick up the offending object and dispose of it properly in the wastebasket. "I was afraid of this."

"Should we tell Master Hand?" asked Ness.

Zelda shook her head. "No, we shouldn't," she asserted. "The fewer people know about this incident, the better. Once we fetch a couple of blankets for you and YoungLink," she continued as she pulled two folded blankets out of a cardboard box, "you'll need to come with me to the library."


	2. Sermons and Spies

**Sermons and Spies**

When Ness reached the library shortly after bringing down the extra blankets for him and YoungLink, Princess Zelda had already taken a few volumes of an encyclopedia down from a reference-book shelf, laying them on a table when she had opened them to pertinent articles and diagrams.

"You must understand, Ness, that there are certain things not ordinarily spoken of in civilized conversation," Zelda began by apologizing, "and the lecture, for lack of a better term, that I am about to give you covers rather a great deal of those things—but it's something everyone has to learn at some point. This is not how I would have _you_ learn if I had a choice, but as it is, I question most Smashers' discretion and ability to handle such a situation."

Zelda then asked whether Ness had ever asked his mother and father about where babies come from when he was younger, and when Ness answered that he had, Zelda replied, "Well, here is where the matter gets much more complicated."

Thus Zelda's lecture ensued, interspersed with use of the encyclopedic diagrams and the outlining of important points in the articles, as Zelda herself fought hard to overcome her embarrassment at talking about such things to a child who wasn't even a relative of hers. But as the discussion wore on and Ness understood more, Zelda's attending embarrassment seemed to lessen, and she was more at ease about answering what questions Ness did have.

Even so, however, Zelda made it a point to impress upon Ness the importance of discretion when talking about "such matters as these."

"If others knew all that I've been explaining to you, they might reproach me for exposing you to such knowledge," she explained. "I, however, maintain that the two fools careless enough to make this lecture necessary are the ones who would _deserve_ the reproach—the idiot not watching his aim, for instance."

"Do you have any idea of who's guilty, then?" asked Ness.

"Indeed I do, Ness, I already know who they are—and I'd appreciate you not to let on about it; I'll deal with the guilty parties myself," said Zelda firmly. "And not a word of the lecture is to leave the library, do you understand me?"

Ness nodded in agreement.

* * *

Meanwhile, near an almost-blinded window outside the library, some of the other Smashers were spying on Ness and Princess Zelda, trying to figure out what the Hylian princess could be lecturing the young psychic boy about.

"Blasted insulated glass, I still can't hear anything of what they're talking about," assessed Starfox crew commander Fox McCloud, "but whatever it is, it apparently involves a lot of encyclopedia articles."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," answered Marth of Altea sourly.

YoungLink had the gumption to offer, "Ness looked scared, like he was in trouble, when he mentioned having to go with Zelda to the library."

"Well, he hasn't got an I'm-in-trouble look on his face now," remarked Fox.

"Stop it, all of you!" ordered Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom when she saw the crowd of inexperienced spies. "Besides, we'll all be fighting soon, so leave Zelda and Ness alone—if any of you has a problem with one of them, it can wait until the official fight ensues."

Marth rolled his eyes. "Well, it seems we all aren't fighting either of them for bonus points today, Peach—you'll be the one to try and outscore Ness, and Zelda's up against Samus," he told her. "We're just really curious as to what they could be talking about so long."

"Leave them alone," Peach repeated. "Zelda obviously wanted to lecture Ness in private, and needed the encyclopedia, so the only place for that would be the library. The _least_ we can do is have the consideration to stay out of their business." The princess of the Mushroom Kingdom walked away disdainfully, but the others lingered, not heeding a word of Peach's reprimand. They were all inordinately curious as to why Zelda would need to use an encyclopedia while talking to Ness.


	3. Din's Fire

**Din's Fire**

"Bonus matches today," Link informed Princess Zelda when she reached the dining room, "You'll be up against Samus Aran."

"Good," answered Zelda shortly. This prospect worked to the Hylian princess's advantage: her attending embarrassment at lecturing Ness on how the human reproductive system worked had largely given way to anger at the two guilty Smashers who had made the lecture necessary. Since Samus was one of the guilty parties, Zelda could take her fury out on Samus in the fight—and because it was a scheduled fight, her act of giving Samus a beating would not look suspicious. Then later maybe she could challenge Captain Falcon in order to give him a similar beating.

Link, however, heard some of the anger in Zelda's tone of voice. "Is everything all right?" he asked. Zelda nodded yes and tried to change her facial expression into a yeah-everything's-fine look, but Link was unconvinced. What was she upset with Samus about enough to want to beat her in a fight?

He didn't really have time to ponder the subject, though, because Master Hand called out to everyone to go to the teleporter room, where the Smashers would then be teleported to the stages where they did battle. Link was scheduled to fight Jigglypuff first, on the Onett stage, and beat the wide-eyed pink puffball by over four thousand points.

Zelda would be fighting Samus Aran next.

Crazy Hand, Master Hand's brother, announced that Zelda and Samus would do battle on the Pokémon Stadium stage. Zelda stepped into one teleporter with a determined look on her face, as Samus obediently did the same. When both Smashers were on the destination stage, the battle began with Master Hand's call of "GO!"

Zelda made the first move, throwing a blast of flames at Samus—a "Din's Fire," as she called it. The fire hit its mark, making Samus flinch, and for once in ages, Samus Aran was actually on the defensive in this fight against Princess Zelda. The princess, who usually fought like a calm strategist in bonus matches, attacked the bounty hunter in a tremendous fury, striking a thousand blows at once, so that Samus might break free and try to grab an item only to find herself thrashed yet again at Zelda's hands. It didn't even help that Zelda did a lot of angry shouting along the way—the yelling should have wasted her energy, but somehow it did nothing to that effect.

Meanwhile, the villains who watched in wait for their matches apparently found this fight highly amusing to watch. "Oh man, a Shriekbat attack couldn't possibly be that bad for Samus to face, could it?" asked Ganondorf derisively. Bowser snickered appreciatively at the remark.

Fox McCloud, however, seemed perplexed. Unusual behavior indeed on Princess Zelda's part, he thought—first taking almost three hours to lecture Ness in the library (with a lot of pointing to diagrams and passages in encyclopedia volumes along the way) and then flying at Samus Aran like a fury. What had gotten into her? "Might I suggest interrogating Princess Zelda about her unusual behavior so far today?" he eventually suggested to Master Hand.

Fox couldn't quite tell, but the giant white-gloved right hand seemed highly interested. "Odd behavior? Tell me more," was Master Hand's reply.

"Well, apparently Zelda took Ness to the library for a long lecture involving reference-book entries after Ness found something in the attic as he went to fetch extra blankets—Ness wouldn't tell YoungLink or anyone what the thing was, though—and now you'd think Zelda suddenly hates Samus's guts, the way she gave Samus a beating just now," Fox explained. "What the heck's gotten into her, I wonder?"

"Interesting. I'll keep an eye on her and question her if she does anything else that might be out-of-whack," Master Hand concluded—a statement that, as Master Hand had no eyes to speak of, caused a disbelieving look to cross Fox's face for a moment.

Zelda, meanwhile, left the teleporter room after her fight, walking in the direction of the five closed-off rooms, and barely had she reached the foyer when she felt a human-sized hand close lightly around her upper arm. As if she had foreseen that Captain Falcon would be the one who intercepted her in the hall, she turned abruptly and backhanded the F-Zero pilot across the face with a force not unlike the blows that she had leveled at Samus in the fight.

But even as Falcon staggered back from the surprise of Zelda's blow, releasing his grip on her arm, two Fighting Wire Frames seized hold of the Hylian princess by both arms and lifted her off her feet. "You're coming with us, princess," said one of them gruffly, "Master Hand has a few questions for you."


	4. Interrogation

**Interrogation**

Princess Zelda struggled against the grip of the two Fighting Wire Frames all the way to Master Hand's office, but to no avail. Only when they had her in place a short distance in front of the desk behind which Master Hand floated did the wire frames release their arresting hold on the Hylian princess. "I hope you understand why my Cruel Melee Wire Frames have brought you here, Princess Zelda of Hyrule," announced the giant hand by way of beginning.

"Because I had been caught in the act of striking a fellow Smasher outside of a scheduled fight?" Zelda answered sardonically.

"Not only for backhanding Captain Falcon across the face two minutes ago," was Master Hand's reply, "but for a variety of unusual behaviors on your part today that have caused some of your other fellow Smashers to become concerned. You took a long time, for example, to explain something to Ness in the library that involved use of encyclopedic articles—care to tell me what that lecture was about?"

Spies of Skulltula! The library's walls and windows may have been built to prevent the entry and exit of excess sound, but someone, or maybe many Smashers, had been spying and knew how difficult the lecture might have been for Zelda. Thank Nayru that she had sworn never to talk about the lecture to anyone else afterward, and had made Ness promise the same. "I'm afraid I won't be able to tell you anything about the lecture," Zelda calmly explained in spite of this. "You see, I swore by the Three Goddesses that nothing of what I explained to Ness would ever leave the library, and I made Ness swear on the lives of all his family to uphold the same secrecy."

The female Wire Frame on Zelda's right side seized hold of her again, but Master Hand did not order her to strike the princess. "What, then, can you tell me about the attic?" the hand questioned.

"The attic?" Zelda repeated.

Master Hand floated forward slightly as he continued, "Yes, the attic. I've gotten word through reliable sources that the attic was where Ness found something that apparently necessitated the lecture in the library. I also know that Samus Aran, whom you attacked in rather a fury today in your scheduled match, is using the attic as a temporary bedroom while her room and four others undergo repairs."

Zelda made no answer. "Even if you consider Ms. Aran a guilty party in this scenario somehow, it's certainly not like you to take revenge into your own hands," Master Hand observed aloud. "Why not report her to me so that I could deal with her appropriately—or are you, in fact, trying to protect her?"

"Protect her?" Zelda burst out angrily. "How _stupid_ can you be? I just gave Samus a beating—I can't possibly be protecting her!"

"Hit her a couple times," Master Hand ordered with a slight pinkie-gesture to the male Wire Frame on Zelda's left side. The Wire Frame obeyed, punching Zelda on the shoulder and then in the ribs. "First of all, don't even _consider_ calling me names during an interrogation," the giant hand told the pale-faced and gasping princess, "and second of all, don't lie to me. Samus Aran did something to anger you to the point of wishing to give her a beating—indicating that _you_ should have reported her to me. And don't even bother trying to say it's personal—there are too many third parties involved at this point."

Zelda cringed more in anger than in fear. "Just because I took Ness to the library—AAH!" she cried out as the Wire Frame on her right yanked on her loose golden hair by way of cutting off her protest.

"You may or may not have forgotten already," Master Hand continued with almost a sneer in his voice, "that my Wire Frames brought you here for interrogation in the first place when you had just leveled a blow at Captain Falcon _outside_ of a scheduled fight. And what, I wonder, had _he_ done to offend you?"

"He tried to sneak up on me," Zelda lied coldly. "He took hold of my arm from behind—UMPH! Ow!" The male Wire Frame had cut off the princess's words with another punch to her bruised side.

Just then the door to the office opened, and another male Wire Frame dragged Ness in by one arm. "Figured you'd want to question this little brat too," he reported.

"No!" Ness cried out in mingled defiance and fear, the latter made only worse by seeing that Princess Zelda had already been struck at and pulled about a good deal. "I can't say anything—I swore I wouldn't!"

"I told him that already," Zelda told Ness with a painful sigh, "but it didn't help."


	5. Cover Completely Blown?

**Cover Completely Blown?**

Captain Falcon had no need to question the reason for Princess Zelda's infuriated action to know why she had backhanded him across the face, and it was not because he caught her by surprise in the foyer when a scheduled fight had failed to cool her heels. No, certainly not after witnessing two Fighting Wire Frames apprehend her the moment she struck at him and take her to Master Hand's office for interrogation.

The reddening and warming of his cheek at the force of that blow was the least of Falcon's worries right now—it was the prospect of Master Hand interrogating Zelda that meant real trouble. For the Princess of Hyrule had long been keeping a secret, and it now proved a serious threat.

Captain Douglas Falcon, champion pilot of the F-Zero Grand Prix, had been secretly involved in a romantic relationship with fellow Smasher Samus Aran, the bounty hunter famous for her continual crusade against the Space Pirates of Zebes. And for upwards of six months the only other Smasher who knew of the bounty hunters' secret courtship was Princess Zelda of Hyrule, who had played the matchmaker when Falcon first showed an interest in Samus and had since then assumed the role of secret-keeper for them. (The princess had probably confided the secret in her boyfriend, Link—the fabled Hero of Time—at the most.)

Fast forward to yesterday and the discovery of termite damage in the walls of Samus's room and four others that forced Master Hand to close the rooms off for repairs and make alternate arrangements for the occupants of the closed-off rooms.

Master Hand had relegated Samus to the attic, the draftiest room in the Smashers' Mansion and in the dead of winter to boot. No one heard Samus complain, but she would certainly have to huddle under many blankets to keep warm on the nights that followed. That is, unless he, Falcon, was there to share her makeshift bed of an old futon pad and found blankets—and hell, Samus had been ready for it for almost a month, wanting to make a move but not quite knowing how after what must have been far too long for her. Not to mention the fact that the attic, when one got past its squeaky-hinged door and creaking stairs, was quite isolated. It seemed, at the time, like a win-win situation.

_Seemed_ was obviously the operative word.

Falcon swore loudly. He might have answered "nothing" when the nearest fellow Smasher—it happened to be Marth—asked what was wrong, but on the contrary, nothing could be _more_ wrong.

Ness must have discovered the evidence on a trip to the attic in quest of something else, and being the naïve child who probably hadn't learned about the-birds-and-the-bees that he was, he would not have recognized a used condom for what it was and would therefore ask the nearest adult about it. That "nearest adult" just so happened to be Zelda, the keeper of secrets. Hence the trip to the library: the use of encyclopedic articles along the way would be the only way that prim and proper Princess Zelda could overcome her embarrassment over lecturing Ness on how the human reproductive system worked. (She had probably sworn Ness to secrecy as well, resolving to deal with the guilty parties on her own.) But Zelda had (inevitably) become angry with both bounty hunters for their carelessness and determined to take her anger out on whichever one she had to fight first. That would be Samus—hence Zelda flew at Samus like a fury in her bonus battle today.

Unfortunately, whilst Princess Zelda might be the soul of discretion when it came to matters of a sensitive nature like this one, Master Hand must have observed and interpreted Zelda's behavior as unusual—and he would never rest until he had all the answers; he was now interrogating Zelda, possibly even trying to torture the answers out of her. If Master Hand _was_ hell-bent on getting answers, it was only a matter of time before Zelda gave Falcon and Samus up, which would cause them both to be suspended from the tournament after a beating by the Cruel Melee Wire Frames—and Zelda, too, for "conspiring to conceal evidence" or some other nonsense.

"I hope you're pleased with yourself, Fox," came the reproachful voice of Princess Peach from the dining room. "I heard you telling Master Hand that you thought Zelda was behaving out-of-the-ordinary, because she was lecturing Ness in the library and because she was winning a fight for once—and now the Wire Frames took Zelda for interrogation. Have you no respect at all for the privacy of others?"

"But didn't it make _you_ curious, too, to find out what Zelda could be talking to Ness about for so long—that she didn't even explain herself to you yet?" countered Fox McCloud. "And what about the beating she gave Samus?"

Peach stamped a foot indignantly. "Well, get this—I just saw a Wire Frame drag _Ness_ by one arm in the direction of Master Hand's office, so if the Fighting Wire Frames do either Ness or Zelda any harm trying to get answers it'll be your fault," she further reproached.

This news that Ness, too, had been taken for interrogation alarmed Falcon, so that he was in the dining room where the argument took place in an instant. "What? He's questioning Ness, too?" he demanded to know, taking hold of Peach by one elbow.

Peach nodded violently. "I saw Fox and Marth and YoungLink spying outside the library and heard Fox tell Master Hand on Zelda. I don't know what's happening, but the Wire Frame who took Ness said it was because Zelda wasn't talking," she explained fearfully.

Falcon swore under his breath as he let go of Peach. Double jeopardy. If Master Hand interrogated Ness, the poor psychic boy would definitely say something about the library lecture either after being beaten by the Fighting Wire Frames or for fear thereof, which would blow the bounty hunters' cover in spite of all Zelda's attempts at secrecy.

He weighed his options—should he, Captain Falcon, confess his involvement with Samus Aran and get both himself and Samus suspended from the tournament and banished from the Smashers' Mansion during the suspension time (for which Samus would be angry with him for sure)? Should he create a diversion in the hopes of covering Zelda and Ness's escape, or persuade someone else to do the same and bail Zelda and Ness out of Master Hand's office personally?


	6. Doing the Right Thing

**Doing the Right Thing**

"I won't go easy on you again, Ness—what did you find in the attic that made it necessary for Princess Zelda to bid you go with her to the library?" Master Hand demanded to know again.

Ness drew himself up angrily. "Well, I _am_ telling the truth when I say I swore I wouldn't say anything about it! Zelda made me swear to keep quiet!" he protested.

Master Hand made a "tsk" sound and a pinkie-gesture to one of the male Wire Frames in the office, who dealt a punch to Ness's shoulder and a backhanded blow to the boy's head and then added another blow on Princess Zelda, bruising the arm that she used to try and protect her face.

The female Wire Frame twisted Zelda's arms behind her back as though intending to bind the princess's hands, but Zelda nevertheless refused to offer the demanded explanations: "Good luck trying to get a sensible word out if you insist on—UMPH!"

This was all Master Hand had the patience to hear, for he snapped his fingers to cut off Zelda's protest. At that signal, the female Wire Frame did a powerful twist of the arm that threw Zelda off to the side as one of the male Wire Frames kicked her hard on one hip, the force of the combined blows knocking her into the wall. The male Wire Frame caught her as she rebounded, restraining her in a stranglehold from behind.

"NO!" cried out Ness as the other male Wire Frame caught him, gripping both arms so tightly that soon Ness's hands started to feel numb. "Let me go," he sobbed, but to no avail, and winced again at a loud bang on the door from outside the office.

"Consider that your warning, Ness, and tell me everything Zelda said to you in the library—I mean it! Something somewhere's got to give, boy!" Master Hand threatened as the Wire Frame holding Ness shook him once.

The loud bang on the outside of the door sounded again, as if someone was trying to batter the door down. "Whoever that is, let him in," Master Hand ordered.

The female Wire Frame obeyed, opening the door, and Captain Falcon entered with his helmet clutched tightly under one arm and an angry look on his face. "What's all this I hear about you trying to torture answers out of those who swore to remain silent?" he demanded to know as he saw the Fighting Wire Frames restraining Ness, who looked very frightened indeed, and Princess Zelda, whose face was starting to turn blue.

"Well, Captain Falcon, would the reason these two both swore to zip their lips have anything at all to do with why Princess Zelda struck you across the face not long ago?" Master Hand sneered.

"Let Ness leave the office; there's no more need for you to hurt innocent bystanders," Falcon ordered. When Master Hand conceded and allowed Ness to leave, Falcon continued to the Wire Frame that restrained Zelda, "Unhand the princess, too—she's not the one who has confessions to make. I am. And frankly, I got off lucky so far—I only wound up taking a blow to the face when Princess Zelda was clearly angry enough to hit me elsewhere." It was a relief to see Zelda blush at the implied vulgarity of Falcon's statement once the Wire Frame released her and she could catch her breath.

All Master Hand's attention turned to Falcon now. "I had the idea that the princess considered both you and Samus Aran to be guilty parties in this scenario somehow, but she refused to tell me anything about what either of you had done to offend her," he admitted, "are you here to tell me what angered her so?"

Falcon nodded. "For more than six months now I've secretly been seeing Samus Aran, and this hapless innocent,"—he put an arm around Zelda, but she winced as he touched her bruised shoulder—"was the only other Smasher who knew that Samus and I were romantically involved, having played the matchmaker for us when I first became interested. Since then, Zelda's done her best to be the secret-keeper for Samus and me, confiding in Link at the very most."

"You and Ms. Aran seem to have chosen your secret-keeper well," remarked Master Hand sardonically, "now what about the princess's rather unusual behavior today?"

"I'm afraid I'm the one chiefly responsible here," Falcon answered unabashedly. "When you closed off the five termite-damaged rooms and sent their occupants to sleep elsewhere, you banished Samus to the attic—on the coldest night so far this winter. Let's just say I couldn't bear the thought of dear Samus shivering in her bed last night when I was perfectly capable of hiking up those rickety stairs to comfort her, and that's exactly what I did. My guess as to what happened today is that Ness saw the used condom in the attic wastebasket—but he hadn't learned about the-birds-and-the-bees, so he didn't recognize what it was."

Master Hand finished for Falcon in a mildly amused voice, "You hardly need relate the rest. Ness went to the nearest adult for help when he saw the offending object—and that adult happened to be Princess Zelda, who took Ness to the library; hence the lecture and the use of encyclopedic articles. It was the only way our prim and proper princess could fight her embarrassment at making the necessary explanations. Said embarrassment, meanwhile, gave way to anger at the two guilty parties, so that Zelda took it out on the first one she was scheduled to fight. That happened to be Samus Aran. It all makes sense now. Because of the sensitive nature of this matter, that's why you, Princess Zelda, remained stubbornly silent."

"All I can mention about the library session was that I refused to identify the two Smashers who were guilty and that I would deal with the guilty parties on my own," added Zelda. "So, in a sense, I _was_ protecting Samus, because I thought a scheduled fight would give me the cover I needed for a confrontation. The task fell on me to smooth things over, and I wanted to do that _and_ give the guilty parties their due, all without the entire Smashers' Mansion finding out."

"Very well, I think we can reach a compromise here," Master Hand concluded. "First of all, sexual misconduct is a charge that merits a beating by the Cruel Melee Wire Frames and a one-week suspension from the tournament. However, you, Captain Falcon, will not take a beating because you have confessed the error of your ways; you will only take the suspension beginning tomorrow and be confined to your room, stepping out only to use the bathroom and receiving no visitors save the Wire Frames who bring food and drink at regular intervals."

Falcon nodded. "What about Samus? Will she be banished from the mansion because she now has no room in which you can confine her?" he asked.

"Yes, she will, but nor will she take a beating, either—she already suffered one at Princess Zelda's hands," explained Master Hand. "Princess Zelda, you will face a four-day suspension from the tournament as well, for conspiring to conceal evidence, and be similarly confined to your room. However, I will maintain the secrecy that you have so far kept: Ness will face no punishment, and I will deal appropriately with any who inquire. You are both dismissed." He gestured to one of the Wire Frames with an order: "Summon Samus Aran to my office."

* * *

Though she was certainly glad to complete some unfinished business on SR388, Samus Aran made her way to the space travelers' hangar with a heavy heart that evening. Her weeklong suspension and banishment from the Smashers' Mansion meant that she wouldn't see her boyfriend of over six months, Captain Douglas Falcon, during that time. For what seemed at the time like a very thoughtful action on his part, his visit to spend the night with her in the drafty attic when the night was cold, was the misdeed that got them both in trouble. 

Not that she could reproach him for confessing; an unfortunate turn of events caused Master Hand to question Princess Zelda of Hyrule, the couple's secret-keeper, and even try to beat the answers out of her. But it was when the young psychic boy Ness became literally dragged into the situation that Falcon had to confess in order to save two innocent fellow Smashers. If only the beating she, Samus, suffered at Zelda's hands had been the end of it—but no, that had been too much to hope. Word would have gotten out to the entire Smashers' Mansion despite all Zelda's attempts at secrecy.

Samus had just finished her pre-flight inspection, and she was ready to board her starship and fly away when she saw the shadowy figure of a man in the entrance to the hangar. She removed her helmet when she recognized who it was.

"You didn't really think I'd want you to leave without saying goodbye to me, did you?" asked Captain Falcon as he approached. He had taken his helmet off, too, and Samus only felt worse when she saw the regret on his handsome face.

It took some effort to meet his eyes. "You did the right thing today, Douglas, when you admitted what happened. Had it been either Marth or Roy in your place last night neither one would've had the balls to confess it, even to save Ness or Zelda," she finally told him in a heavy tone.

"It's like I told Ness once, some things are more important than saving one's own skin," Falcon acknowledged, "and I really only did what one of us would've had to do to save two hapless innocents."

He looked away, but Samus stepped closer to him. "I stand by what I said to Master Hand in his office—visiting me last night was very thoughtful of you, and let no one tell you otherwise."

The bounty hunters exchanged their kisses and farewells, but the call of lights-out sounded too soon, and Samus finally boarded her starship and left…and the last thing Falcon saw on the way back to the mansion was the illuminated window of the secret-keeper who had suffered all in vain.


	7. In the End

**In the End**

"_I tried so hard, and got so far…but in the end, it doesn't even matter…I had to fall, to lose it all…but in the end, it doesn't even matter…"_ The last words of the Linkin Park song playing on the radio were all that Princess Zelda needed to hear, once she was back in her own room, before she broke down crying. Those lyrics described her plight all too well. Where Smashers were concerned, Zelda had an excellent reputation for keeping the secrets of others—so that when Captain Falcon and Samus Aran secretly became romantically involved, Zelda figured that she would encounter little trouble in keeping that secret from the rest of the Smasher populace.

However, with the discovery of just one piece of evidence that betrayed the full extent of the bounty hunters' involvement, the tables turned completely. Ness went to Zelda for help when he found a used condom in the attic, having gone up there looking for extra blankets—a circumstance that Zelda figured she had been able to smooth over decently enough. But alas, someone must have been spying outside the library while Zelda was making the necessary explanations to Ness. Probably that same Smasher was the one who tipped off Master Hand to "unusual behavior" on Zelda's part when the Hylian princess flew at Samus Aran like a fury in her scheduled fight (taking her anger out on the first guilty party she could confront under cover of a match). That must have been why the Fighting Wire Frames caught her so quickly when she struck Captain Falcon across the face shortly after, meaning to reprimand Falcon for his carelessness but not being allowed to because she was taken to Master Hand's office to be questioned.

As Zelda refused to squeal on either Samus or Falcon during the interrogation, Master Hand not only had his Fighting Wire Frames hit Zelda every time she tried to tell a lie or refused to answer, he ordered Ness brought in for questioning as well. That had to be what caused Falcon to confess—there was no reasoning with hell-bent-on-getting-answers Master Hand; "something, somewhere's got to give," as Master Hand had threatened Ness just before Falcon's confession. Thus was the outcome: Samus and Falcon both faced one-week suspensions from the tournament on charges of sexual misconduct (and would have also taken beatings by the Cruel Melee wire frames had Zelda not already given Samus a beating for that very offense and had Falcon not had the courage to confess). Princess Zelda, too, had been sentenced to suspension for four days because of her "conspiring to conceal evidence" in being the secret-keeper.

"_I've really got to congratulate you, Princess Zelda. You handled today's situation admirably, much better than I would've expected for a young woman of your ilk."_

"_You don't reproach me for giving Samus a beating? Or for striking you shortly thereafter?"_

"_In all honesty, I deserve your beating more than Samus did—I was, after all, the horny fool who made the lecture in the library necessary."_

"_Well, I'm sure neither of you meant to put me through the wringer at all—you were thinking of Samus at the time, of that I'm certain; you just didn't take care to hide the evidence better, and then Ness discovered it. That's why I was angry, more than anything else. Though I suppose I'm at fault too—I couldn't tell Master Hand on either you or Samus, so I had to confront each of you myself, and…"_

"_You still did an admirable job of keeping the secret—you defused a potentially disastrous situation before it had a chance of getting out of hand. Had Ness gone to anybody but you…let's just say things would've been infinitely worse for everyone. For that, I'm very proud of you."_

That had been her conversation with Captain Falcon once Master Hand dismissed them from his office and summoned Samus for questioning. And even in spite of Falcon's words of praise, Zelda felt no better than she had during the interrogation itself.

But at least _she_ had the decency to be discreet and keep her lips sealed, even if her lips were the only thing that remained properly sealed, zipped, or closed by any definition of those words! A curse on Master Hand for his unfairness, Zelda thought. And what was worse, what if the spy who squealed on her had figured something else out? If that were the case, soon all her secrecy would be in vain, for the entire Smashers' Mansion would know…

* * *

Now it was Link's turn to fly at Fox McCloud like a fury. "You sneaking, spying squealer!" he bellowed, boxing Fox about the ear with his bow. "Do you have any idea at all how Zelda's been hurt because of you?"

Link raised his bow to strike Fox again, but Samus Aran, having emerged from Master Hand's office, was beside Link before the blow could fall. "Wait a moment, Link, before you drag more Smashers into the conflict," she told Link in a tone of surprising calm. "Come with me."

With that, Samus led Link back to the library, where Zelda had explained things to Ness that very morning. When they reached the library, Samus began once she removed her helmet as she always did for such serious conversations with fellow Smashers, "I assume by now Zelda's told you about Master Hand questioning her?"

"She showed me her bruises from when the Fighting Wire Frames hit her, and told me she got suspended for four days for 'conspiring to conceal evidence' and…" Link trailed off, but then he gasped in realization. "Captain Falcon panicked when he heard Peach tell Fox that Ness was taken for questioning too! And now you come to me when I get angry with Fox for squealing on Zelda," Link was thinking aloud, blushing as he put the pieces together, "and I guess now you and Falcon are also both being suspended, only your suspensions are longer because of a more serious suspension-worthy charge?"

"Exactly. Not that I hold it against Douglas for spilling the beans; he had to confess in order to save not one, but two innocent fellow Smashers who only got dragged into this whole ordeal because of our carelessness," answered Samus regretfully. "Zelda doesn't want either Douglas or me to mention any more to anyone else in the mansion, and the only reason I'm telling you this is because Zelda certainly must've already confided our involvement to you. What I'm saying is that Zelda may not want you to embroil any more Smashers in this chaos than are involved already."

Link sat down in the nearest chair, not recalling a time when he felt more unsure of whether to be angry or merely dejected. "Then again, since when has Master Hand been renowned for fairness in dealing with the goings-on here?" he asked at last.

"I know," said Samus heavily. "He should be congratulating Zelda on a job well done in smoothing things over, not accusing her of 'conspiring to conceal evidence' and suspending her from the tournament."

"Interesting to hear you say so about her when she gave you a beating for the same thing Master Hand just suspended you for," Link commented. "Then again, maybe Master Hand thinks you should be thanking Zelda, because she smacked you around even before he knew you'd done something he considers beating-worthy."

"I haven't actually spoken to Zelda since I got summoned to Master Hand's office, but I figure it's best to let her cry about this whole blasted thing for a while before I talk to her again," Samus admitted, "because I really don't want to put her through the wringer any more than I have already."

When Samus and Link left the library and faced Fox again, Fox made no bones about resenting them for not letting on about what was happening. "Now what? Good Lylat, I hate not knowing what's happening here!" he complained. "And you, forest boy, have the nerve to hit me just for getting suspicious!"

"Be quiet, Fox," said Samus in the same calm tone that she used with Link when he first became angry with Fox. "There's been some serious discussion, but I think it safe to vouch that Link won't strike you again. However, as Princess Zelda does not wish any more information to be made public, Link and I are both going to honor that wish. You should let the matter drop as well, lest Master Hand decide to punish you for it."

_A/N: This chapter is perhaps just an afterthought, but I have points for readers to ponder: What are your feelings toward each of the characters primarily involved in this whole ordeal, for better or worse? Did Zelda do a good enough job of smoothing things over and delivering retribution to the guilty parties, all whilst maintaining decorum and discretion among the rest of her fellow Smashers? Do you (or not) reproach Captain Falcon and Samus for being the original "guilty parties"? Do you agree with those who say that Master Hand did an unfair job of handling the situation?_


End file.
